“In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure no one listens.”
~Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery
Ah, the butterfly effect… Consider It’s A Wonderful Life. One change entirely rewrites history! Without George being born the lives of everyone in his hometown are changed for the worst. Whether it’s a small act of kindness, he’s impacted so many lives without realizing it. That’s beautiful and wonderful.
I always think of that film when I hear the question, “If you could go back in time and change anything about your life, what would it be?”
If something as small as the flapping of butterfly wings can change the world, changing something about your life… Oof.
So, I’ve always had the immediate answer of: “I wouldn’t change anything. Everything that happened has made me who I am and all I can do is work harder to be better.” And it’s something that I was so proud of. Do I have regrets? Hell yes! Do I wish I was a better person? Of course! All I can do is work on myself from here on out.
But lately? God… I don’t know anymore. Lately, all I can think is, if this hadn’t happened, I’d be… okay. I’d have had a better time studying abroad. I’d have had more friends in London. I’d be on my path to getting my diploma, my degree. I’d be with my friends…
But what gets me the most? I’d feel safe.
I don’t have that feeling of safety anymore. I am trying so hard to get to a better place, but I’m so tired. Lately, I’m sick of having to fight so hard. I’m sick of feeling scared, alone and ashamed.
I’m working hard to get there and while I know I will eventually… Right now sucks.
Welcome to the sweet, sweet therapy blog, kids!
I am commandeering this blog again!
But I’m changing it.
Like in a good divorce, I get the url, the name, the content and the ability to make this mine again.
That’s what this is. Mine. Hopefully, I’ll get into a schedule, but this is going to be dark and scary sometimes. I don’t want anyone to be surprised or triggered, so that’s the deal.
Hopefully, I’ll be starting soon, but I’m excited to start this new journey.
Let’s do this.
One of the most awesome people I know posted a list called “100 Things I Love About Myself” and challenged us to do the same.
Something tells me it’ll be updated slowly and quickly depending on the kind of day!
Maybe 10 each posting? Some will be explained, some will be left alone.
So, here we go:
100 Things Amelia Loves About Herself (The Beginning!):
1. My Hair – Is it insane? God, yes. But sometimes it looks awesome and it’s nice to whip it around and run my fingers through it. Also, it’s a great replacement for real dance moves-just shake it around! Boom, a dance move that is relatively socially acceptable.
2. My Fingers – Now, this will sound weird, but even when I joke about them being tubby, sausage fingers they are capable of a lot. They write essays, lists, goals and ramblings. They play saxophone and can (sort of) play piano. And, hopefully, ukelele soon! They allow me to hold hands and comfort those I love. Also, I can paint my nails for funsies.
3. My Eyes – They change into many shades of blue and gray, depending on setting, lighting, etc. But I love them. They’re expressive and I think they’re pretty.
4. My Lips – I like them. They’re nice.
5. My Smile – I love it.
6. My Love of Reading – It’s made me a better person, a smarter person and it has most definitely gotten me through a lot. It’s helped me survive and thrive.
7. My Empathy – I feel things intensely and even when it sucks and I hate it, I am proud of it.
8. My Compassion – One of my proudest traits.
9. My Laugh – It’s weird and varies, but I love it. Long live the snortlaugh!
10. ENFP – I’m an ENFP and proud.
“I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.”